This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.