Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
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I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres