I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
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*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
best review i’ve ever seen
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high