– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
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Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
We are the people our parents warned us about.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext