Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
You Might Also Like
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Brands during Pride
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.