*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
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You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”