My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
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My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.