Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
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I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.