women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
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guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
where do you see yourself in five years?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
dutch is not a serious language
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”