Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
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A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
My zodiac sign is pistachio
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.