[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
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Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
pat pat
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body