In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
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*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)