Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
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The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming