When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
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HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Wise advice
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*