People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
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I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.