i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
New favorite tiktok
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them