Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
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Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.