If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
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[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
another case of gang violins
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.