You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
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i was baptized in a car wash
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist