[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
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I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.