The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
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STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.