my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
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So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend