In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
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I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
fired
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.