Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
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Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My dad is at it again
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.