me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
You Might Also Like
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul