A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
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Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.