REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.