“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
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Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Does beer think about me too?
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.