People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
You Might Also Like
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.