angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
pelicons
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.