[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
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CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
#Caturday
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.