customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?