I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
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Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
dads on road-trips be like
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*