I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
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How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Never be a pizza!
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead