who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great