Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
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I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.