Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
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Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!