My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
You Might Also Like
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror