My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
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Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”