ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
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Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.