DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
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o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.