I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
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Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
dream blunt rotation
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.