“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me