I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Cool shirt 🙂
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
#parenting
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
bout dat hot dog summer
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.