I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
You Might Also Like
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises