Meowchelangelo
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“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Muppet Screams
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Is your wife single?
Always
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.