Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
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When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack