The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
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Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.