“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
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Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Am getting real tired of your crap…
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I think I’ll stand