I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
You Might Also Like
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.